Coffee
by SicariusAquila
Summary: A cup of coffee, Antonio, and gingerbread lead to an unexpected turn of events. CRACK


Ezio Auditore sighed; this must have been his first peaceful day in years; no blood, no fighting and no Borgia. Just him and his cup of caffe(WITH sugar, mind you.) Speaking of coffee, Ezio remembered his last encounter with Antonio, master of the Venetian thiefs guild and fellow assassin. The Florentine wrinkled his nose, remembering how terribly bitter the coffee Antonio had offered tasted. Had he known what it was going to taste like he would have downright chucked the drink out the window. It had been awful. Just then, said man walked through the door of Ezio's study, a parcel in his hand and that damned grin on his face.

"Ezio, my friend! How long has it been? You look older than ever!" Antonio said, laughing.

Ezio twitched, not liking the fact that Antonio was poking fun at his age. Oblivious to Ezio's annoyance, the Venetian guild master continued.

"I came to Roma to negotiate with Machiavelli, but since you're here I brought you a little something." He said, removing a wrapped parcel from his satchel.

He waved the aforementioned parcel irritatingly in Ezios face. Ezio leaned away, raising an was starting to have a bad feeling about where this was going.

"And this is?" Ezio asked, opening it as if it contained a bomb, or something along those lines. Ezio was greeted by a brown, strong smelling person shaped...biscuit.

_"Gli uomini di pan di zenzero."_Antonio said, with a sly grin. "I figured you had a thing for sweets and brought you some. Have a taste; believe me, you'll like it."

Ezio looked sceptically at Antonio and, with one last look, shoved the parcel back at Antonio.

"I'd rather not." He said, scowling. However, seeing Antonio's kicked puppy look, he quickly added, "You have them."

Antonio's look changed into a pout, and he took one of the biscuits out of the bag.

"Come on you _vecchio rudere_!" He whined, "I'll feed you this if I have to!"

Right before Ezio could go assassin on Antonio's sorry ass, said thief promptly stuffed the gingerbread man into Ezio's mouth. Ezio took one slow, cautious bite, and started chewing. Antonio grinned, happy that he got Ezio to do something he didn't want to without getting the crap beaten out of him.

"Well, how was it?" Antonio asked, peering at Ezio hopefully.

Ezio turned so that he was not facing Antonio and mumbled something unintelligible.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Antonio asked.

Ezio pouted and responded.

"It was terrible."

Antonio grinned. A victory!

"Of course it was, you keep them. I'm sure you know how Machiavelli gets when you're late." He said, and ran off.

Ezio shook his head, sighed and walked away slowly munching on the contents of the bag.

OOOOooooOOOOooooOOOO

_Later, on the roof of the Assassin's Hideout_

"So Machiavelli," Said Antonio, "I've received news that Rod-"

Antonio was interrupted by half-crazed familiar screaming.

"Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" Bellowed Ezio as he ran though the streets of Roma.

At least half of the city guard were after him, most wearing dumbfounded or disbelieving faces of shock. There were also a few Odio la mia vitas here and there, and really, who could blame them? Machiavelli gaped at the Master Assassin, for once having absolutely nothing to say. Antonio was trying to hold back laughter, and should I say, failing miserably. He'd thought he had seen it all. But no. This was definitely new.

Ezio extended his.. was that his hidden blade? The hidden blade now had a gingerbread man strapped to it. Which Ezio then munched furiously on, continuing to fuel his sugar craze.

Machiavelli and Antonio continued to watch as Ezio ran into the Borgia tower, wooed two groups of courtesans in less than a minute, and called his novices. There was an audible clunk as the novices' chins all simultaneously hit the ground. When you thought it couldn't get weirder, Ezio started dancing with a guard. Said guard no longer had the grim look it usually had. Instead, he looked utterly terrified, and wanted nothing more than to get away from the sugar high assassin.

Machiavelli, face still frozen in shock, finally managed to speak.

"I believe it would be best I we continued this conversation elsewhere." He sputtered.

Antonio nodded, still trying to hold in laughter. Never in his wildest dreams did even he have such a mind to imagine this. Who knew? The deadliest assassin in Italia has zero sugar tolerance.


End file.
